I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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