i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
