Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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