im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
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