Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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