im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
you didnt know i had herpes?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
