mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
