I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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