Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
