i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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