he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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