I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
