Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
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