when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Randomize
