we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
