I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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