ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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