see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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