I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
