wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Randomize
