sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize