This is not my ceiling
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
