Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
