last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
