guys are only as good as the porn they watch
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
We need a shit load of segways right now
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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