So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize