Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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