there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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