Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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