mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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