I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Randomize
