This house was built for laser tag.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
