You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
