trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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