She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I don't deserve a penis
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
