Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
