I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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