I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Fuck appropriateness.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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