better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
