soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
