You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
