I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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