also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
