im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
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