woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
