yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
