I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
