WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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