Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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