Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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