im six kinds of drunk right now
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
