I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
