Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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