I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize