Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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