i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize