I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
We need to get me chipped asap
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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