It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
