They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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