watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
