my phone needs a breathalizer
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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