Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
