but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize