you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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